After All Those Tears

Assalamualaikum, peeps!

Howdy? It has been ages since I last wrote in this blog. And I miss you guys so much!

Ada sebab kenapa saya tiba-tiba menyepi. Selama berbulan-bulan, tak ada 1 entry baharu pun dalam blog ni. Tak kisahlah entry penulisan kreatif atau entry penulisan suka-suka.

Bad things happen and bad memories occur.

Something happened that made me feel discouraged to write. Something happened that made me too traumatized to write on my own blog. Something happened that made me not wanting to acknowledge that nashahadzirothman.blogspot.com is my blog. My personal blog.

Long story short, words like,
"Awak tak payahlah buang masa tulis-tulis benda macam ni. Kerja awak sekarang ni belajar aje."

"Saya nak tanya awak, awak tulis-tulis blog macam ni ada dapat apa-apa ke?"

"Dah berapa lama dah awak buat kerja-kerja macam ni?"

The way they addressed what I did was so harsh.

Kerja-kerja?

Haram ke menulis ni? Jijik ke menulis ni?

Memang at this age, 19, as a university student, the only thing that I am supposed to do is belajar sahaja ke?

I felt discouraged and dejected. It was as if I had lost my soul.

Writing is my soul. Words like that kills me.

And that stops me from writing for months.

Going to kuliah was like hell for me. The class, the building, burns me. Forcing a smile to the people who kill my soul makes me hate them even more. I forced a smile because I am trying to teach myself to forgive them because maybe they don't realize what they did wrong. But no matter how hard I try, I can't. Their words stuck like a good gam gajah in my heart.

Tengoklah, sampai sekarang I masih ingat their words, their expressions.

This is an official confession from my heart. I shared this with my elder brother but only on the surface. I didn't go any deeper. My family (except elder brother) does not know this story.  They don't even know what kind of hardship that I need to go through alone. I don't share this with them. I don't explain to them that this is one of the reason that I didn't perform well during foundation studies.

I just realized it now, I sat my final exam just to be free from my foundation studies. I didn't sat that examination with the intention of excelling. For the first time in my life, I took my important examination with no intention of excelling.

And you know what? Right after my foundation studies end, I can write again. I used up my holidays with reading and writing. Being far away from the place and the people that hurt me allow me to breathe again.

Foundation year was a tough year for me.

Three big things happen that affect me a lot.

My grandmother passed away and I had no chance to see her for the last time. My siblings got to visit her when she was admitted in the ward. All of my family members were there for her but not me. I didn't get to see her and that fact still saddens me till today. I am crying while writing this.

Second, misunderstandings with the director and lecturers. On the same day that I received the news about my grandmother, we (my friends and I) had a huge misunderstanding with the director and lecturers. How huge was it? Well, imagine this: The director wrote something like this, "Jangan percaya diaorang ni. Depan kita aje baik. Padahal bermuka-muka."
One lesson learned: NEVER try to explain yourself through Whatsapp/Social Media. Because words that are read are interpreted differently from the one that are heard.

Third, the soul-killing story that I wrote earlier in this entry.

Yes, foundation year was not as wonderful as I expected.

There are tears. The ones that are noticed and the ones that are unnoticed.

Most of them are unnoticed.

The memories that I had from back then makes me not wanting to go back to the same place. Saya tak nak selama-lamanya terperangkap dalam memori yang pahit. I want to move on. I want to create new memories.

I know it is almost impossible because I don't have any escape route. Disebabkan saya pelajar asasi, jadi saya perlu sambung degree di universiti yang sama.

But alhamdulillah, I am so grateful that Gong Badak is not the only campus for UniSZA.

Indeed, Allah SWT knows best.

Untuk 4 tahun yang akan datang, saya tak perlu belajar di tempat yang sama. From Gong Badak, I migrate to Tembila. After all those tears, I am looking forward to smile and laughter.

Bismillahitawakkaltu alallah lahaulawala quwwata illa billahilaliyyil azim.

I wish you guys all the happiness in this world.

May Allah SWT protects you, always.

Salam sayang,
NHO.