After All Those Tears

Assalamualaikum, peeps!

Howdy? It has been ages since I last wrote in this blog. And I miss you guys so much!

Ada sebab kenapa saya tiba-tiba menyepi. Selama berbulan-bulan, tak ada 1 entry baharu pun dalam blog ni. Tak kisahlah entry penulisan kreatif atau entry penulisan suka-suka.

Bad things happen and bad memories occur.

Something happened that made me feel discouraged to write. Something happened that made me too traumatized to write on my own blog. Something happened that made me not wanting to acknowledge that nashahadzirothman.blogspot.com is my blog. My personal blog.

Long story short, words like,
"Awak tak payahlah buang masa tulis-tulis benda macam ni. Kerja awak sekarang ni belajar aje."

"Saya nak tanya awak, awak tulis-tulis blog macam ni ada dapat apa-apa ke?"

"Dah berapa lama dah awak buat kerja-kerja macam ni?"

The way they addressed what I did was so harsh.

Kerja-kerja?

Haram ke menulis ni? Jijik ke menulis ni?

Memang at this age, 19, as a university student, the only thing that I am supposed to do is belajar sahaja ke?

I felt discouraged and dejected. It was as if I had lost my soul.

Writing is my soul. Words like that kills me.

And that stops me from writing for months.

Going to kuliah was like hell for me. The class, the building, burns me. Forcing a smile to the people who kill my soul makes me hate them even more. I forced a smile because I am trying to teach myself to forgive them because maybe they don't realize what they did wrong. But no matter how hard I try, I can't. Their words stuck like a good gam gajah in my heart.

Tengoklah, sampai sekarang I masih ingat their words, their expressions.

This is an official confession from my heart. I shared this with my elder brother but only on the surface. I didn't go any deeper. My family (except elder brother) does not know this story.  They don't even know what kind of hardship that I need to go through alone. I don't share this with them. I don't explain to them that this is one of the reason that I didn't perform well during foundation studies.

I just realized it now, I sat my final exam just to be free from my foundation studies. I didn't sat that examination with the intention of excelling. For the first time in my life, I took my important examination with no intention of excelling.

And you know what? Right after my foundation studies end, I can write again. I used up my holidays with reading and writing. Being far away from the place and the people that hurt me allow me to breathe again.

Foundation year was a tough year for me.

Three big things happen that affect me a lot.

My grandmother passed away and I had no chance to see her for the last time. My siblings got to visit her when she was admitted in the ward. All of my family members were there for her but not me. I didn't get to see her and that fact still saddens me till today. I am crying while writing this.

Second, misunderstandings with the director and lecturers. On the same day that I received the news about my grandmother, we (my friends and I) had a huge misunderstanding with the director and lecturers. How huge was it? Well, imagine this: The director wrote something like this, "Jangan percaya diaorang ni. Depan kita aje baik. Padahal bermuka-muka."
One lesson learned: NEVER try to explain yourself through Whatsapp/Social Media. Because words that are read are interpreted differently from the one that are heard.

Third, the soul-killing story that I wrote earlier in this entry.

Yes, foundation year was not as wonderful as I expected.

There are tears. The ones that are noticed and the ones that are unnoticed.

Most of them are unnoticed.

The memories that I had from back then makes me not wanting to go back to the same place. Saya tak nak selama-lamanya terperangkap dalam memori yang pahit. I want to move on. I want to create new memories.

I know it is almost impossible because I don't have any escape route. Disebabkan saya pelajar asasi, jadi saya perlu sambung degree di universiti yang sama.

But alhamdulillah, I am so grateful that Gong Badak is not the only campus for UniSZA.

Indeed, Allah SWT knows best.

Untuk 4 tahun yang akan datang, saya tak perlu belajar di tempat yang sama. From Gong Badak, I migrate to Tembila. After all those tears, I am looking forward to smile and laughter.

Bismillahitawakkaltu alallah lahaulawala quwwata illa billahilaliyyil azim.

I wish you guys all the happiness in this world.

May Allah SWT protects you, always.

Salam sayang,
NHO.

Between Simple Good Deeds and Unexpected Rizq // Di antara Perbuatan Baik dengan Rezeki yang Tidak Terjangka

Assalamualaikum and hye, guys!

Harap semua sihat dan terus bersemangat menjalani kehidupan seharian.


So, I feel like writing about deeds and rizq.

Saya rasa minggu ni saja, 2 kali saya diberi rezeki yang saya tak jangka.

Pertama, hari Sabtu yang lepas. Family kawan saya datang melawat dia. When I said kawan, I mean, we are just friends by programme. Program yang sama, tapi kelas lain-lain. Tak pernah ambil tahu latar belakang dia, or family dia. So it happens that saya approach her family just to salam, say hi and blah.

But then, mak dia suruh duduk makan sekali. And I was like, 'Alamak, aku dengan anak dia dahlah setakat kawan satu program je. Kelas tak pernah sama. Sembang kencang tak pernah sekali.'

Tapi sebab mak dia paksa, saya pun duduklah sekali. Dapat alas perutlah makan kek pisang kukus, pisang goreng dengan air green tea.

Alas perut pun balik2 bilik, kenyanglah jugak.

Who knows kan, by just saying hi, salam, simple deeds macam tu, kita dapat sesuatu yang lebih besar.

Peristiwa kedua, berlaku pada hari ini.

Today sepatutnya kami kena submit assignment online, due pukul 4 petang. But my friend's boyfriend, (both my classmates) terlupa nak submit. Dan kebetulan pula masa tu diaorang tengah keluar makan. So it's quite hard to access the kelip portal to submit the assignment since the internet connection is slow.

I was sleeping when my friend called me. Nasib baiklah fon tak silent and ringtone lagu Naruto Kanashimi Wa Yasashisa Ni tu. Hahahaha. Memang sekali bunyi terus terjaga lah kan.

Dalam mamai tu, pelik jugalah sebenarnya, kenapa dia call tiba-tiba. Rupa-rupanya nak minta tolong saya hantarkan assigment BF dia. Masa tu about 30 minutes lagi sebelum pukul 4 petang. Saya cakaplah, "Ha okey" (Bayangkan suara saya dengan mood malas baru bangun tidur). Then dia cakap terima kasih dan tanya, "Nanti aku bui mou something. Mu nok gapo? Aku bagi mu cheezy wedges deh."

Saya cakap, "Takpelah. Tak payah." Mana ada orang mamai nak demand2 ni. Hahahaha. Lagipun permintaan dia simple je.

So saya tolong and bila dia balik, dia bagi saya cheezy wedges. Katanya, BF dia yang beli.

Ni ha. Makan sorang memang kenyang lah kan.

Saya speechless lah jugak sebab cheezy wedges KFC kut. Haha. Masalahnya kawan saya tu baru balik dari makan KFC dengan BF dia. Being a student, saya pun fahamlah struggle kewangan macam mana.

Bagi saya, apa yang saya buat terlalu sedikit nilainya. Kalau dikira dengan wang, mungkin 20 sen je kut.

Itulah yang saya kata, simple good deeds yang kita buat, boleh jadi penyebab untuk kita dapat sesuatu yang kita tak jangka.

Jadi, selagi bernyawa, terus berbuat baik. Tak kisahlah nilai kebaikan tu besar atau kecil sebab at the end of the day, kita takkan tahu perbuatan baik kita yang mana yang menjadi penyebab untuk kita masuk syurga. 

Keep doing good deeds for we will never know which of it is the reason of our happy ending.


Salam sayang,
Nasha Hadzir Othman.

Sometimes, it is Not Love...

Assalamualaikum.

While my friends at other institutions are having their Raya break, I'm still at UniSZA, counting days till my holiday begins. Well, we don't really have holidays in this course. Even weekends are full with activities.

It's challenging. Yes, it is. But, we're okay.

So, about that topic up there.

Sometimes, it is not love.

University life is a life where you can find love in it. Three months here, a few of my friends are now involved in love conflicts. They said that their relationship is nothing more than just a friendship. Nah, we're not too blind to see the real colour of the relationship.

Here's the story.

At first, yes, I admit. It seems like a normal friendship. But, as time goes on, when they started to go out together, chatting on Whatsapp every moment (except during classes)... And people starts to know about them... People start to talk about them, tease them...

I just realized something. Sometimes, it is not love that makes their relationship turns from being a friend to a lover.

You know, when people teases you, when people tell you that they like seeing you with him, when people tell you that you suits him well... You will have that kind of spark in your heart. The excitement, the proud feelings, that makes you feel like you should hold on to him.

We doesn't realize that what we did (all of the teases and praises) are the causes of their relationship state changes. What we did actually makes things easier for Satan to drag humans away from Allah.

Sometimes, it's not love. It's your feelings that has been swayed by Satan, just to make sure that you're getting far from Allah. 

Just a simple and gentle reminder for me, and you in the future. If your friends are having a relationship, please don't provoke them. Please don't praise them, please don't tell them that he is good enough for her.

You don't need to tell them that you like seeing them together but you don't need to tell them that you don't like seeing them together either. Just be quiet. Don't bother about their relationship so that they can think wisely what's good and what's bad for them without influences from the outside.

Hope that they're matured enough and emotionally stable enough to think wisely. That's all.

Thank you for reading.

Pergi.

Assalamualaikum.

Remember my post on 21 August 2017?

I wrote about my friend's mother who is fighting cancer.

Just now, at 6.00 pm. I received news that her mother has passed away this evening.

It was really heartbreaking.

To those who are reading this, your dua and good wishes are welcome.

Thank you. 

Hidup.

Assalamualaikum.

It has been a while since my last update. Well, I'm okay. Things around me are going well. And I hope things are going well for you guys too.

So, being alone, away from family... I've gone through so many experiences, urging me to think A LOT about LIFE, HUMANS. Getting to know new people with different backgrounds, different stories, different attitude, is the most beautiful experience out of all experiences.

Being so far away from family for the first time ever in my life is tough. There are moments I thought of giving up. I just thought of, "Kenapa aku seorang saja yang tercampak jauh macam ni? Kawan-kawan aku tak jauh sangat pun. KL, Pahang. Nak balik sebulan sekali pun boleh je. Abang aku pun Selangor je."

Well, these thoughts happen to exist because I had to travel 13 hours just to be home. If it was 8.30 pm from KT, then I would have to sleep at Terminal Sentral Kuantan to wait for my next bus at 8.30 am (earliest). And guess what? Yeah, I can't sleep there. Even there are airconds, there are benches... Only after I had my subuh prayer done, I can sleep in the surau. (The surau closes at night, opens for subuh onwards)

Then, with the packed lecture schedule... 7 subjects that will ALL contribute to your final marks. 7 subjects, with 4 of them are science subjects... Yes, again. I feel like giving up. Since I am the only student from my school that is taking foundation in science with so many subjects, I had this thoughts, "Kenapa aku sorang je yang masih bergelumang dengan subjek sains ni? Wae? Wae? Kenapa asasi kawan2 aku yang lain semua senang2 je? Kenapa dowh top student sekolah aku tu, dia further studies dia dalam finance? And aku ni yang tak berapa top masih bergelumang dengan sains."

Yes, with all the thoughts... That are making me weaker. I, unknowingly, KILL my own soul.

So recently, I just realized something. I don't know. I was just walking around and I had this thought. (Since my university is empty now because the other students are on their holiday, I had the chance to walk slowly while thinking.)

I should not complain about why I am here. Terengganu is where Allah wants me to be. Only now, I found the hikmah.

Why am I here, instead of the overseas?
Why am I here, instead of the private universities (with scholarship)?
Why am I here, instead of Selangor or maybe just inside Pahang?

Hearing stories from my friends, seeing how the situation there changes them, I just realized that, maybe if I was there, I too, will be like them.

All I want is to be on the right path. That is what I recite everyday in my solah and before reading the Quran. And that is what Allah gave me.

Terengganu helps me a lot. My friends here, the people here, help me a lot. No, not by their helping hands, but by their stories, their actions. 

The course that I am taking now, there must be a reason. Why? Why is it harder compared to my other friends? Well, I am still searching for the hikmah. Hope that I will find it out sooner or later.

I don't really set a target here. Once, after I get my SPM results, I might want to be a doctor. But it seems that now, the desire is not as strong as before. Why? Because I saw so many, just so many of my friends that I thought more eligible than me. And, I've meet a few doctors here. Seeing their struggle, I don't think that I am strong enough to go through the pain.

Well, that is what I thought of at least for now.

I don't know what the future are going to surprise me.

For now, I will just do my best with my studies and I will live well.

About how the people here help me a lot... 

I met so many friends here, which on the outside, they look well, they are always cheerful, always happy, they look like they are living their life well. But they had this story that they keep to themselves. I thought that I had struggle enough in this life. But no, they struggle much, much, more.

Family conflicts.

I could never understand, how being a teenager, they survived. They excel in their studies. They have good manners. They're being HUMAN, despite the family conflicts that they are living in.

I really, really salute them.

Last Friday, I went to the hospital to visit a sick friend. I had the chance to visit my other friend's mother who is sick. She is fighting cancer.

The whole ward is full with patients having cancer. I just can't look at them. No, I am not strong enough. They fight for life but at the same time, they had to accept that death will come to them, anytime.

My friend, she is really struggling. We're supposed to sit for mid term examination last week. But, she had to face a bigger test. Her mother, is diagnosed AGAIN with cancer. Her mother had breast cancer before. She survived the first time. But now, the cancer cell attack her again. Now, affecting her bone.

My friend, she is SO strong. Really, really strong. She sat by her mother's side, hands holding her mother's, not crying even a bit, calmly whispering, "Lailahaillallah..." near to her mother's ears. She had a fight inside her. She wants her mother to survive but at the same time, she is teaching herself to redha if anything is going to happen to her mother.

I just stood there, not knowing exactly what to do. Just trying so hard, not to cry so that I can be a source of strength to my friend. She's not crying, then why should I?

And when I need to leave, the moment I hug my friend, just wanting to give her strength, I cried. All I could say is, "Terus kuat ya, *****." I hope that is comforting enough. I really hope so.  

Allah... If I was in her boots, I don't think that I am strong enough. Then, please, please at least make us, her friends, beneficial to her. I hope that whenever she needs us, we could be there for her.

So, guys. Whenever you're giving up on life, NEVER EVER thought of suicide. Believe me, you're not the only one who are struggling. Allah test us on our weakest point. Everyone is struggling HARD in life. It's about what we are struggling for differentiate us.

And at the end, it was just a test to see how far you're going to turn your back on HIM or how close you're going to walk towards HIM.

That's what life are meant to be.

So,

Live well.

Please, live well.

Love, NHO.